Wednesday, May 27, 2009

"Just Us" A letter to Mason

Dear Mason,

I have tried so hard to write this letter to you for weeks. Searching for the perfect words to say. And then I thought, just write from the heart.

Today is the the last day it will ever be "just us" and I am overwhelmed with a profound sadness, wishing we had more time. I do not know if you fully understand what is going on. So many changes are happening. Already having to share with Sophie and she isn't even born yet. I know it has been difficult for you, especially since I haven't been the "mom" you're used to lately. Constantly moody and tending to take out all my fear and frustration on you the most. All you have wanted is some mommy time, to play with me, and it honestly broke my heart everyday that I physically couldn't.

It has been my goal to cherish these last few weeks alone with you; savoring moments of silliness and utter love. Moments when you look at me and smile; when out of the blue you say, "I love you mommy" and willingly give me hugs and kisses. Not that I am not looking forward to your baby sisters arrival, but I know the chaos that is soon to consume our daily lives as we struggle to establish a new routine. I face this change with hesitation and doubt. Consumed by the guilt I have for bringing a new person into our lives as though I am somehow cheating on you. It feels as though I am losing something special. Perhaps it is fear that this precious bond we share will be broken. That you will resent me and love me less because I am not able to focus on you 100% anymore. I worry you might think she has taken your place. Which is ridiculous. No one could compare to you. And truth be told, this baby girl has huge footsteps in which to follow. You have set high standards not only in cuteness, but in your laid back demeanor and fun personality. All this said, it is my biggest fear that somehow my love for you will diminish or I will not be able to love Sophie at all because I cannot fathom how to share the love I have in my heart between two children. Other moms have said that you think you will never be able to love anyone else the way or as much as you love your first born but that you will find your heart is infinite in how much it can hold. Still, I live with doubt everyday.

I do not want my relationship with you to change, so I am making this vow to you now. I will work hard to make sure that you never question whether I love you. I will involve you with as much as I know you can handle with Sophie so that you never feel left out and always feel helpful. I will make it up to you all those times you begged me to play cars, trains, and I said no. I will take you to the park and the pool. I will go outside and draw on the driveway with chalk. I will kick the ball with you, and run in the sprinkler and chase you in the yard. I will scoop you up and hold you, and give you rides on my back. We will continue our "conversations", because I cherish those moments the most. I will do my best not to get frustrated easily and yell at you a lot. I will be sensitive to your feelings. I will always kiss your boo-boos and protect you from scary guy. I will nourish your creativity and fuel your desire for learning everyday. You are my baby boy, always will be. Nothing can ever change that fact. My first born. My first experience as a mother. This kind of thing establishes a very special bond. And now the time has come for us to forge another.

Despite all my fear, I have hope and excitement. As I have so enjoyed watching you grow into the little man you are today, I look forward to watching your life grow in a new direction to include your baby sister. No doubt you will be an excellent big brother.

Today we say good-bye to an era of just us two characters and welcome in the beginning of "the three of us". It will be rough for a few months. I won't lie. But we will get through this...together. I promise.

Love you always,

Pin It

No comments:

Post a Comment