"Just Us" A letter to Mason

Dear Mason,

I have tried so hard to write this letter to you for weeks. Searching for the perfect words to say. And then I thought, just write from the heart.

Today is the the last day it will ever be "just us" and I am overwhelmed with a profound sadness, wishing we had more time. I do not know if you fully understand what is going on. So many changes are happening. Already having to share with Sophie and she isn't even born yet. I know it has been difficult for you, especially since I haven't been the "mom" you're used to lately. Constantly moody and tending to take out all my fear and frustration on you the most. All you have wanted is some mommy time, to play with me, and it honestly broke my heart everyday that I physically couldn't.

It has been my goal to cherish these last few weeks alone with you; savoring moments of silliness and utter love. Moments when you look at me and smile; when out of the blue you say, "I love you mommy" and willingly give me hugs and kisses. Not that I am not looking forward to your baby sisters arrival, but I know the chaos that is soon to consume our daily lives as we struggle to establish a new routine. I face this change with hesitation and doubt. Consumed by the guilt I have for bringing a new person into our lives as though I am somehow cheating on you. It feels as though I am losing something special. Perhaps it is fear that this precious bond we share will be broken. That you will resent me and love me less because I am not able to focus on you 100% anymore. I worry you might think she has taken your place. Which is ridiculous. No one could compare to you. And truth be told, this baby girl has huge footsteps in which to follow. You have set high standards not only in cuteness, but in your laid back demeanor and fun personality. All this said, it is my biggest fear that somehow my love for you will diminish or I will not be able to love Sophie at all because I cannot fathom how to share the love I have in my heart between two children. Other moms have said that you think you will never be able to love anyone else the way or as much as you love your first born but that you will find your heart is infinite in how much it can hold. Still, I live with doubt everyday.

I do not want my relationship with you to change, so I am making this vow to you now. I will work hard to make sure that you never question whether I love you. I will involve you with as much as I know you can handle with Sophie so that you never feel left out and always feel helpful. I will make it up to you all those times you begged me to play cars, trains, and I said no. I will take you to the park and the pool. I will go outside and draw on the driveway with chalk. I will kick the ball with you, and run in the sprinkler and chase you in the yard. I will scoop you up and hold you, and give you rides on my back. We will continue our "conversations", because I cherish those moments the most. I will do my best not to get frustrated easily and yell at you a lot. I will be sensitive to your feelings. I will always kiss your boo-boos and protect you from scary guy. I will nourish your creativity and fuel your desire for learning everyday. You are my baby boy, always will be. Nothing can ever change that fact. My first born. My first experience as a mother. This kind of thing establishes a very special bond. And now the time has come for us to forge another.

Despite all my fear, I have hope and excitement. As I have so enjoyed watching you grow into the little man you are today, I look forward to watching your life grow in a new direction to include your baby sister. No doubt you will be an excellent big brother.

Today we say good-bye to an era of just us two characters and welcome in the beginning of "the three of us". It will be rough for a few months. I won't lie. But we will get through this...together. I promise.

Love you always,

Mommy

Baby Bump Finale

38 Weeks and 1 day...

This means I only have four days left till we meet this bundle of joy that has been wreaking havoc on my body for the last 267 days. All I can say is, BRING IT ON! I have been beyond ready for this baby to be out of my stomach. While I am not looking forward to being cut in half and experiencing the horrible pain that will ensue (though it will be minimized thanks to the wonderful world of medicine and the invention of the epidural and hard core drugs like percocet and vicotin), I am desperate to get my body back. 

So many things are running through my mind with such little time left to prepare. But I know, that even though things may seem desperate at first I will get through it. I usually do.

All By Myself

Suddenly my baby boy is growing up. Not just in looks or his vocabulary, which is astonishing at 2.5 years old; but in the ever growing number of things he wants and CAN do by himself.

The most recent and well I think the most notable to date, is the sudden ability to use the potty all on his own. Now don't get too excited, he isn't potty trained. Yet. And according to Fred the motivation may have come in a red bag marked skittles. Still, this is a milestone. Just two days ago we were having to fight him to go potty and, for me at least, being faced with assisting in every aspect of this feat was willing to let it slide more often than not.

For some reason all the "cool" things happen when I am not around. Such as sitting still to have his face painted like a tiger and riding in a fire truck. So naturally another big event would occur while I was at my hair appointment last night.

Fred: you would have been so proud of Mason tonight. He used the potty all by himself.
Me: huh. What!?

Yeah you heard that right. ALL BY HIMSELF. He went into the bathroom, turned on the light, removed his pull up, pushed the stool over to the toilet, climbed onto the potty, peed, got off the potty , flushed, put his pull up back on (after a little bit of figuring it out), pushed the stool to the sink, washed and dried his hands, turned off the light, put the stool back in place and closed the door.

Me: he got on the potty all by himself?

If I hadn't seen it with my own eyes this morning I might still be in denial over this one. All by himself. Even down to telling Fred he had to pee without being prompted. This of course was when the information about the skittles came in. Apparently I need to hide my stash better. Whatever the motivation, the point was that he could actually do it ALL without any help.

Now the fact that he has learned to open the front door and the refridgerator doors all by himself is a different matter completely and will be discussed later in a section titled "things that annoy me about my sons growing independence."

Everyone can write a little...

You may recall this little entry a few months ago. No? Take a look. I'll be here when your done.

If you follow me on Twitter or are my friend on Facebook then you know that I am practically online 24/7. I find that microblogging, as it has been referred to, is the new crack. And I am totally addicted. This, added to my almost immobilizing fear of journaling on my scrapbook pages, for fear that what I have to say is just "not good enough," is the reason I signed up for the class. Now I almost didn't take it as I found out my c-section falls right in the middle of the four weeks. But why should I let a little thing like giving birth stand in the way of being creative?
Now I'm sure you are thinking, "How is being on Facebook and Twitter going to improve your journaling skills?" Simple. Twitter and Facebook allow you answer the question "What's on your mind/What are you doing," in 140 words or less. This is exactly what we try to communicate in our scrapbooks, the goings on of our every day lives. Limiting the response to 140 words is a little less intimidating. I don't have to be some great novelist. What a relief! I admit I use Facebook as more of a way to connect with old and current friends. However, Twitter I use more as a way of recording my daily life. And I don't do it for the benefit of others, I do it for myself. Hence the annoying amount of tweets posted.
I find that throughout the day Mason says things that crack me up and I want to remember them. Tweet. I see things that upset me and I need to get it out. Tweet. I think of things that are crazy, funny, important and want to jot them down. Tweet. I find inspiration in a quote, book or song. Tweet. I just need to say something. Tweet.
The point of this class is to take all these tweets, match them up with a picture and voila! Instant scrapbook. Totally doable right? I need to get past this whole my journaling has to be perfect or interesting in order to be on my pages. The point of creating them is to capture the authentic, raw essence of mine and my families lives. Why should the opinion of an outside party matter? So I am taking this class to make that first step outside my comfort zone. Because it is only through this step that we can achieve our biggest victories.

Yes, everyone CAN write a little.

I created this layout for Mother's Day about my mom and how much admiration I have for her now that I am a mother myself. I meant to upload this sooner but life got in the way. You know how it is. Working on some more layouts that I hope to post soon so stay tuned!

Note to self: find a better way to take photos of layouts.

Maybe he does get it

Overheard today while making lunch

Mason: Bad cars, Bad cars. Time out. 3 minutes. Bad cars. 3 minutes.

Well even if he doesn't actually stay in time out himself when put there, at least he seems to understand the concept.

Baby Bump + Celebrating Mothers

I am officially 36 weeks today. This means I have 2 weeks and 5 days left till this child is FINALLY out of my stomach. That is exactly 19 days left and it can't get here fast enough. This little supposed miracle growing in my belly has been wreaking havoc on my body and I have had ENOUGH. I spend most days in pain, feeling like at any moment this kid will either burst out of my belly button or just drop out while shopping. I've tried but I don't think it is possible to convey how miserable the cramping, the back pain, and the inability to walk makes me on a daily basis. How frustrated it makes me feel to be unable to play with my son and spend the quality time with him that we both need. So much so that I find myself sobbing alone more often than not. I constantly wonder if it is possible to be in labor and not know it. This pregnancy has been anything but what I expected or anticipated. So different than the first time around. I know that mother nature plays this horrible trick on us by wiping away our memory of the completely horrible moments but I am still in awe that woman continue to get pregnant time after time. My whole experience this time around has lead me to the conclusion that not only do I not want to go through it again, but that my body probably couldn't even handle it one more time.

So as I sit here having a private pity party for myself, I am reminded that it is Mother's Day tomorrow. I think a lot of times Mom's, especially the ones who stay at home, feel unappreciated. I know I do. I feel almost invisible most days. Things I do on a daily basis get overlooked, until they don't get done. I wear many hats. I am the healer of boo-boos, wiper of tears, calmer of tantrums. The creator of meals, play-doh snakes and chalk circles. I am the master of laundry, groceries, and picking up toys. I am the ruler of the remote, the reader of books and singer of songs. I am the payer of bills, the keeper of appointments and important dates. I am all this and so much more. Yet day after day these tasks go unnoticed as Thank You's are rarely heard. If you ask me, we should tell those we love on a daily basis just how much we love them and how appreciative we are for all they do. Especially mothers. Thank you's should always be uttered no matter how simple the task. So in honor of our Mom's, this card I made is for you.



HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!

Fever, tantrums and much needed caffeine

Been MIA from the blog for a few days. Mason has been sick. He developed a fever of 100.7 yesterday and refused to drink any fluids. This caused him to throw up periodically resulting in a sleepless night for everyone. So far today has gone a little better. Managed to get some fluids in him but not much and only after caving in to his demand for some crackers. Fever has stayed down all day. It's almost bed time so we'll see if he can keep down the crackers and juice. Crossing my fingers. I will be back later this week once this "bug" has been eliminated.

Hope you are having a better weekend then us!